He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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