The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
