Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
