i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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