i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
