in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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