new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
