so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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