You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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