Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
