You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My ass is underappreciated
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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