Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
