I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
