Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
