Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
