Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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