i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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