We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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