You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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