ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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