why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
