ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
