I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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