I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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