Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
