Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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