The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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