I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
