We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
