Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
