Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
