party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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