Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
