Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
