Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
