My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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