first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
