apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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