so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
