Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
