I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dicks are not precious.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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