Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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