I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
