dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
