Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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