you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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