You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
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in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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