hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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