It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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