I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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