y did u give ur computer a hand job?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
