he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
