The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
