I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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