Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
