dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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