Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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