Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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